Chapter 10: Purpose of Marriage

Why Did God Create Marriage?

Before you say "I do," you need to understand why you're saying it. Before you walk down the aisle, you need to know what you're walking into. Before you commit your life to another person, you need to understand the purpose of that commitment.

Too many people get married for the wrong reasons. They marry for security, for status, for sex, for companionship, or simply because "it's time." But when the foundation is wrong, the structure crumbles.

God didn't create marriage arbitrarily. He had specific, intentional purposes in mind. And when we align our marriages with those purposes, we experience the fullness of what God designed. But when we violate those purposes—or ignore them altogether—we set ourselves up for disappointment, frustration, and ultimately, failure.

In this chapter, we're going to explore the biblical purposes of marriage, expose common misinterpretations, identify the most important things in marriage, and examine the top reasons why marriages fail—so you can avoid those pitfalls.

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The Three Biblical Purposes of Marriage

1. To Avoid Sexual Immorality

Let's start with the most practical—and perhaps most controversial—purpose of marriage: sexual purity.

"Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband... But if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
— 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9 (NKJV)

Paul is crystal clear: one of the primary purposes of marriage is to provide a legitimate, God-honoring outlet for sexual desire. This isn't the only purpose, but it's a significant one.

The Value of Chastity

God designed sex exclusively for marriage. Virginity isn't old-fashioned or prudish—it's God's protective plan for your future marriage. Research strongly supports this biblical principle.

According to a study by the Institute for Family Studies, women who marry as virgins have the lowest divorce rates—ranging from 6% to 11% in recent decades. In stark contrast, women with 10 or more premarital sexual partners have divorce rates as high as 33%. A 2011 University of Iowa study found that loss of virginity before age 18 was correlated with significantly higher divorce rates within the first 10 years of marriage.

The numbers are even more striking: women with 6 or more premarital sexual partners are almost 3 times less likely to be in a stable marriage compared to those who waited.

Why? Because sex creates soul ties. It bonds you to another person—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When you give that gift away repeatedly outside of marriage, you fragment your capacity for deep, lasting intimacy.

"Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexually sins against his own body."
— 1 Corinthians 6:18 (NKJV)

Marry Early If Necessary

Couples should embrace marrying early if maintaining sexual purity is a struggle. Don't wait until you're financially "set" or until everything is perfect. The value of chastity far outweighs the need to be wealthy before marriage.

Money can be earned later. Careers can be built over time. But once purity is lost, it can't be regained. And once society normalizes sexual immorality, it degenerates in every area.

"Sin is a reproach to any people."
— Proverbs 14:34 (NKJV)

As Dr. Tony Evans notes: "God's boundaries aren't restrictions—they're protections. When we honor His design for sexuality, we set ourselves up for maximum joy and minimum regret in marriage."

2. Companionship

The second biblical purpose of marriage is companionship.

"And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.'"
— Genesis 2:18 (NKJV)

This was the first thing declared "not good" in all of creation. Everything else was good or very good—but man alone? Not good.

Why? Because humans are social creatures. We're wired for connection, relationship, and companionship. Isolation is harmful to our mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Marriage is designed to provide permanent, dependable, intimate companionship. Not just someone to live with, but someone to do life with—to laugh with, cry with, dream with, struggle with, and grow old with.

Dr. John Gottman's research shows that strong companionship and friendship are the foundation of lasting marriages. Couples who maintain friendship through life's ups and downs report significantly higher levels of marital satisfaction.

This is more than cohabitation. This is covenant friendship—a lifelong partnership rooted in commitment, trust, and mutual care.

3. Partner in Purpose

The third biblical purpose of marriage is partnership in purpose.

"Then God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion...'"
— Genesis 1:28 (NKJV)

Adam was given the dominion mandate—to fill the earth, subdue it, and have dominion over creation. But he needed help. So God created woman as his ezer kenegdo—his strong helper, his complementary partner.

Marriage isn't just about personal fulfillment. It's about fulfilling God's purposes together. It's about building a legacy, raising godly children, advancing the kingdom, and glorifying God through your union.

The question every engaged person should ask is: "Have I found my purpose yet, so that I can marry purposefully?" Your marriage should align with and enhance your God-given calling—not distract from it.

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Common Misinterpretations of Marriage

Before we move forward, let's address some dangerous misconceptions about marriage.

Myth: Women Want Love Alone

Truth: Women need both love and honor.

"Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel."
— 1 Peter 3:7 (NKJV)

Women don't just need affection—they need respect, honor, and dignity. Treat her like she matters, because she does.

Myth: Husbands Need Honor Only

Truth: Husbands need both honor and love.

"That they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children."
— Titus 2:4 (NKJV)

Men aren't emotionless robots. They need affection, tenderness, warmth, and love just as much as women do.

Myth: You Don't Marry One You Love, You Love One You Marry

Truth: Both are important.

"Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life."
— Ecclesiastes 9:9 (NKJV)

Yes, love is a choice. But attraction, compatibility, and genuine affection matter too. Don't marry someone you don't love, hoping you'll learn to love them later.

Myth: You Don't Marry for Sex

Truth: Sexual compatibility is a legitimate factor.

"But because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife."
— 1 Corinthians 7:2 (NKJV)

God designed marriage as the proper context for sexual fulfillment. There are people who fall into temptation not because they're perverted, but because they have legitimate needs that aren't being met. Some husbands are denied sex for extended periods and end up falling. This isn't an excuse for sin—but it is a wake-up call for spouses to honor their marital duties.

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The Most Important Things in Marriage

The most important things in marriage are not touchable or visible.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."
— Proverbs 31:30 (NKJV)

Beauty fades. Looks change. Physical attraction diminishes over time. What remains—what truly matters—is:

• Love: Genuine, selfless, covenant love
• Affection: Warmth, tenderness, emotional connection
• Nurture: Care that refreshes and sustains the soul
• Respect/Honor: Dignity, value, and mutual esteem

Why are these the most important?

• Sex can be bought from a prostitute (though it's empty and destructive)
• Money can be earned by anyone through hard work
• Children can be adopted or conceived through medical means

But love, affection, nurture, and honor? These can only be given and received in the context of genuine relationship. These are the irreplaceable treasures of marriage.

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The Top 5 Reasons Why Marriages Fail

Let's get brutally honest. If you want your marriage to last, you need to know what destroys marriages—and then avoid those pitfalls at all costs.

According to comprehensive research studies, here are the top five reasons marriages fail, backed by statistics:

1. Communication Problems (70% of divorce cases)

Communication is the most cited factor in marriage failure. According to multiple studies, 70% of wives and 59% of husbands list poor communication as a major contributor to divorce. One study found that 65% of divorce petitions cite communication problems.

What does poor communication look like?

• For men: Blame, nagging, and complaining (cited by 70% of men); lack of appreciation (65%)
• For women: Lack of validation for feelings and opinions (83%); spouse talks about himself too much (56%)

The breakdown happens when couples stop really listening, stop expressing their needs clearly, and stop working to understand each other.

"Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one."
— Colossians 4:6 (NKJV)

Dr. John Gottman's research shows that couples who maintain healthy communication—characterized by gentleness, respect, and genuine curiosity—have dramatically lower divorce rates.

Solution: Learn to communicate effectively. Speak the truth in love. Listen to understand, not just to respond. Seek to resolve conflicts, not win arguments.

2. Sex and Lack of Intimacy

Difficulty with sex is cited as one of the top 3 reasons for divorce. While exact sexless marriage divorce rates are difficult to measure, the correlation between sexual dissatisfaction and divorce is undeniable.

Reasons for sexless marriages include:

• Health and medical conditions
• Mental health struggles
• Differing sex drives
• Poor communication
• Unresolved emotional issues
• Past trauma
• Pornography addiction

"Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you."
— 1 Corinthians 7:5 (NKJV)

Solution: Prioritize physical intimacy. Address medical or emotional issues with professional help. Communicate openly about needs and desires. Remember: sex isn't just physical—it's emotional, spiritual, and relational.

3. Money Issues (41% of divorces)

Financial problems are a major cause of marital conflict. Studies show:

• 41% of divorces cite money management as a top issue
• 54% of people believe having a partner with significant debt is a reason to consider divorce
• Couples who argue about finances at least once a week are 30% more likely to get divorced
• 38% of couples point to money issues as a key factor in separation

According to Ramsey Solutions, money fights are the second leading cause of divorce, behind infidelity.

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil."
— 1 Timothy 6:10 (NKJV)

Solution: Have one vision for your finances. Create a budget together. Communicate openly about spending. Avoid financial infidelity (hiding purchases, debts, or income). Work as a team.

4. Third Parties (Infidelity: 56-60% of divorce cases)

Infidelity or extramarital affairs account for approximately 60% of divorces in the United States. 56% of wives and 59.6% of overall cases cite jealousy or infidelity as a major contributor.

Research shows that about 15% of wives and 25% of husbands have engaged in physical affairs.

"You shall not commit adultery."
— Exodus 20:14 (NKJV)

Infidelity devastates trust, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. While some couples recover, the majority do not.

Solution: Guard your marriage. Avoid emotional and physical entanglements with others. Build strong boundaries. Invest in your spouse. Remember: you're one flesh—what hurts them hurts you.

5. Emotional Intelligence

Relationships succeed or fail based on emotional intelligence (EQ). Marriage is about how you make someone feel. You can do all the right things and still fail if you don't pay attention to your spouse's emotional experience.

You can provide money, but if you make your partner feel worthless, that provision will breed resentment instead of appreciation.

Man is primarily a creature of feeling more than thinking. Thinking is used to help us feel better. We do everything for a feeling. Don't trivialize emotions.

Emotional Intelligence includes:

• Empathy: Feeling with your spouse
• Sympathy: Compassion for their struggles
• Apology: Humility to admit wrong
• Gratitude: Appreciation for what they do
• Kindness: Gentle words and actions
• Soft Tongue: Speaking with grace, not harshness

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
— Proverbs 15:1 (NKJV)

As marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman notes: "EQ often matters more than IQ in marriage. You can be brilliant but emotionally tone-deaf—and your marriage will suffer."

Solution: Develop emotional awareness. Pay attention to how your words and actions make your spouse feel. Choose kindness. Practice empathy. Apologize quickly. Express gratitude often.

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The Balance: IQ and EQ in Marriage

Both IQ (Intelligence Quotient) and EQ (Emotional Quotient) are important in marriage.

IQ matters because:

• Through wisdom a house is built (Proverbs 24:3)
• Lack of knowledge destroys souls and marriages (Hosea 4:6)
• You need intellectual compatibility to grow together

Ways to build intellectual connection:

• Reading together
• Having meaningful conversations
• Sharing humor and wit

EQ matters because:

• Relationships are built on emotional connection
• How you make someone feel determines relational health
• Emotional safety creates intimacy

Don't neglect either. Build your mind and your heart.

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Conclusion: Marry for the Right Reasons

Marriage is not a game. It's not a trial run. It's not "let's see how it goes." It's a covenant—a lifelong, binding commitment before God and witnesses.

So marry for the right reasons:

• To honor God with sexual purity
• To experience deep, lasting companionship
• To partner together in fulfilling God's purposes

Avoid the pitfalls that destroy marriages:

• Poor communication
• Sexual neglect
• Financial conflict
• Infidelity
• Emotional disconnect

And remember: the most important things in marriage aren't what you can see, touch, or measure. They're love, affection, nurture, and honor—the intangible treasures that make life worth living.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it."
— Psalm 127:1 (NKJV)

Build your marriage on God's purposes. Build it with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. Build it with intentionality, commitment, and love.

And it will stand.

 

Chapter 11: Marry Right

The Foundation of Lasting Union

The foundation of a successful marriage is often laid long before the wedding day—it begins with choosing the right partner. While we believe that God can redeem any marriage and that commitment transcends circumstances, wisdom demands we acknowledge a profound truth: compatibility matters deeply in marriage.

Research consistently shows that couples who share core values, life goals, and temperaments report significantly higher marital satisfaction. According to the National Survey of Families and Households, couples who are well-matched in terms of values and life goals are 31% more likely to report being "very happy" in their marriages. This isn't to say that differences doom a marriage, but rather that certain alignments create a stronger foundation for the covenant you're entering.

The Proverbs writer understood this principle when he warned: "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14 NKJV). The word "yoked" here comes from the Greek heterozygountes, which literally refers to two animals of different kinds being forced to plow together—an uncomfortable, inefficient, and ultimately harmful arrangement for both creatures.

But let me be clear: if you're already married, this chapter isn't about regret or second-guessing. It's about understanding what makes marriages thrive so you can intentionally build those qualities into your existing union. God's grace is sufficient to bridge any gap. As Paul reminds us, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13 NKJV).

The "Mate" Principle

One of the ways to build a marriage that defies divorce statistics is to marry your mate—and if you're already married, to make your spouse your mate. In Genesis 2:18, God said, "I will make him a helper comparable to him." The Hebrew word kenegdo translated as "comparable" or "suitable" literally means "according to what is in front of him"—a mirror, a match, a mate.

Notice that even in the Garden of Eden, with all the animals God created, none was found suitable for Adam. "But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him" (Genesis 2:20 NKJV). God didn't just give Adam any companion; He crafted one specifically designed to complement him, complete him, and collaborate with him.

Let me share seven critical dimensions where you and your potential spouse—or current spouse—must be mates:

1. Marry Your Speaking Mate

Communication is the lifeblood of marriage. You must marry someone with whom you can speak and be understood, someone whose wavelength matches yours intellectually and emotionally.

Solomon wrote, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver" (Proverbs 25:11 NKJV). But those golden apples mean nothing if your spouse can't receive them, understand them, or respond to them meaningfully.

Too many marriages suffer from what I call "conversational poverty." The husband comes home and buries himself in sports or work because he and his wife can't engage in meaningful dialogue. The wife calls her girlfriends for hours because her husband can't provide the emotional connection and intellectual stimulation she craves. When you're saying "A" and your spouse consistently hears "Z," frustration becomes the permanent guest in your home.

Dr. John Gottman's research spanning over 40 years reveals that couples who maintain deep friendship and can engage in meaningful conversations are significantly more likely to stay together. His studies show that successful couples spend at least five hours a week just talking to each other, sharing thoughts, dreams, and daily experiences.

Ask yourself: Can we talk for hours without boredom? Do our conversations energize or drain us? Can we discuss difficult topics with mutual respect? Do we enjoy each other's perspective on life, faith, politics, and purpose?

2. Marry Your "School" Mate

Marriage is a lifelong classroom where both partners must be perpetual students. "Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches" (Proverbs 24:3-4 NKJV).

Don't marry someone who has stopped learning, who refuses to read, who rejects new ideas, or who believes they've arrived at complete knowledge. Such people make terrible life partners because they cannot adapt, grow, or evolve with you through life's changing seasons.

The apostle Peter exhorted believers: "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" (2 Peter 3:18 NKJV). If spiritual growth is commanded, how much more should we pursue growth in wisdom, emotional intelligence, and practical life skills?

Look for someone who reads, who asks questions, who admits mistakes, who seeks counsel. Find someone who sees marriage itself as a master class in love, sacrifice, and partnership—someone eager to learn from successes and failures alike.

A "school mate" is someone who will attend marriage conferences with you, read books on intimacy and communication, listen to teachings, and seek mentorship. They understand that yesterday's knowledge won't solve tomorrow's problems.

3. Marry Your Spiritual Mate

This is non-negotiable for the believer. Your spiritual foundation determines everything else in your marriage. "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3 NKJV). The Hebrew word ya'ad for "agreed" means to meet at an appointed place by mutual agreement. You cannot walk together spiritually if you're heading to different destinations.

Paul was emphatic: "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14 NKJV). This isn't religious snobbery; it's divine wisdom. When one spouse is pursuing holiness and the other is content with worldliness, when one is building with eternal perspective and the other with temporal vision, conflict is inevitable.

Consider the practical implications: How will you raise your children if you disagree on faith? Where will you attend church? How will you handle decisions about tithing, serving, ministry commitments? What happens when crisis comes and one partner turns to God while the other turns away?

But spiritual compatibility goes deeper than simply both being Christians. Do you share similar convictions about prayer, worship, service, and obedience? Does their relationship with God inspire you or concern you? Do they lead you closer to Christ or pull you toward compromise?

Joshua understood this principle when he declared, "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve... But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD" (Joshua 24:15 NKJV). Notice he said "my house"—the decision to serve God was a household commitment, not an individual preference.

4. Marry Your Spending Mate

Money is one of the leading causes of marital conflict. Financial compatibility isn't about both partners earning the same income; it's about sharing similar values regarding earning, saving, spending, and giving.

The Bible warns, "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil" (1 Timothy 6:10 NKJV). But the absence of wisdom about money is equally destructive. You need a spouse who understands stewardship, who values hard work, who can delay gratification, and who shares your vision for financial management.

Don't marry someone who is chronically stingy—whose tight-fisted approach to money will starve your marriage of joy, generosity, and spontaneity. Equally, don't marry someone who is recklessly extravagant, who cannot save, who lives beyond their means, or who believes that "your money is our money, but my money is my money."

Watch how your potential spouse handles money before marriage. Are they disciplined? Do they tithe and give? Can they save for goals? Do they have unnecessary debt from impulsive spending? Are they willing to work hard or do they constantly seek shortcuts?

"A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children" (Proverbs 13:22 NKJV). This requires financial wisdom and partnership. You need a spending mate who believes in building together, investing together, giving together, and living within your means together.

5. Marry Your Sex Mate

Let's address what too many Christian books avoid: sexual attraction and compatibility matter in marriage. God created sex, celebrates it within marriage, and expects couples to enjoy it fully.

Sexual desire is not sinful—it's a God-given instinct designed to draw husband and wife together in intimate union. "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is better than wine" (Song of Solomon 1:2 NKJV). The entire book of Song of Solomon celebrates romantic and sexual love between spouses with unashamed passion.

You should marry someone for whom you have genuine attraction and desire. I'm not talking about lust—that's different. I'm talking about the holy anticipation of physical intimacy that God designed to bond husband and wife.

Paul wrote, "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (1 Corinthians 7:2 NKJV). He continues, "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (1 Corinthians 7:5 NKJV).

Marriage is not merely spiritual union—it's physical union. You won't be praying 24 hours a day. You won't be in church services constantly. You will have sex. You will be naked together. You will explore physical intimacy. If there's no attraction, no chemistry, no desire, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of frustration or worse—temptation outside the marriage.

Don't marry someone just because they're "nice" or "spiritual" if you feel no romantic or sexual connection. And don't spiritualize away the importance of physical attraction by claiming, "Love is not about feelings." While mature love transcends feelings, it certainly doesn't exclude them.

6. Marry Your Social Mate

You should marry someone you're proud to be seen with, someone whose presence enhances rather than diminishes social situations. This isn't about superficial status or appearance—it's about social compatibility and mutual pride.

Can you comfortably introduce your spouse to friends, family, colleagues, and church members? Do they conduct themselves with grace, wisdom, and appropriate social awareness? Do you enjoy attending events together or do you find yourself making excuses for their absence?

"A virtuous wife is a crown to her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones" (Proverbs 12:4 NKJV). Similarly, a man of character and dignity brings honor to his wife in public settings.

Social compatibility means you can navigate various social settings together—from formal dinners to casual gatherings, from church events to family reunions. It means neither of you is an extreme introvert who resents social interaction while the other is an extreme extrovert who needs constant social stimulation.

Don't marry someone so antisocial that you'll spend your marriage apologizing for their absence or awkwardness. Don't marry someone whose public behavior embarrasses you or whose social choices consistently contradict your values.

7. Marry Your Vision Mate

This might be the most overlooked dimension of compatibility, yet it's crucial for long-term marital success. You need someone who shares your life vision, who dreams compatible dreams, who pursues similar goals.

"Where there is no vision, the people perish" (Proverbs 29:18 KJV). This applies to marriages as well. When one spouse envisions life in the city while the other dreams of rural living, when one plans for ministry while the other prioritizes business, when one wants children immediately while the other wants to wait indefinitely—conflict is inevitable.

Amos asked, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3 NKJV). Walking together requires knowing where you're going. You can't build a house together if one is drawing blueprints for a cottage while the other envisions a mansion.

Before marriage, discuss: Where do you see yourselves in 10 years? How many children do you want? What role will ministry play in your life? What are your career aspirations? Where do you want to live? How do you define success? What legacy do you want to leave?

A vision mate doesn't mean you're identical—it means you're compatible. Your visions can complement rather than contradict each other. But there must be enough alignment that you can genuinely pursue life together rather than merely coexisting.

Can One Person Be All Seven?

You might wonder if it's realistic to find all seven "mates" in one person. The answer is an emphatic yes! God's promise to you is clear: "Seek and read from the book of the LORD: Not one of these shall be missing; none shall be without her mate. For the mouth of the LORD has commanded, and His Spirit has gathered them" (Isaiah 34:16 NKJV).

You don't need to marry seven different people to experience these seven dimensions of compatibility. One person—the right person—can be all of this for you. But here's the key: you must also become this for someone else.

Work on yourself. Build your life. Develop spiritually, intellectually, financially, socially, and emotionally. Become the mate you're seeking. The more complete you are as an individual, the more you have to offer in marriage.

If You've Already Married

Perhaps you're reading this and realizing you and your spouse aren't perfectly aligned in all seven areas. Don't despair. God's grace is sufficient, and intentional growth can bridge many gaps.

First, recognize that compatibility can be built. You weren't born speaking the same language your spouse speaks—you learned it. Similarly, you can learn each other's communication styles, develop shared visions, and grow together spiritually and financially.

Second, focus on your part. You cannot change your spouse, but you can change yourself. Become a better speaking mate by listening more carefully. Become a better school mate by committing to growth. Become a better spiritual mate by deepening your own walk with God.

Third, seek help. Marriage counseling, pastoral guidance, and mentorship from mature couples can provide tools and insights to strengthen weak areas. "In a multitude of counselors there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14 NKJV).

Finally, remember that love is both a feeling and a choice. While initial compatibility helps tremendously, sustained compatibility requires intentional effort. Choose daily to understand, accept, and appreciate your mate. Work together to build what may not have existed naturally.

The Significance of Being Needed

The worst feeling you can give your partner is insignificance—where they feel you don't need them. Coming together in marriage is fundamentally a declaration: "I am not enough on my own." "I am incomplete without you."

When Adam first saw Eve, he declared, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh" (Genesis 2:23 NKJV). The Hebrew conveys profound excitement and recognition: "Finally! This one matches me!" He wasn't expressing condescension but completion. He recognized in her what he lacked in himself.

Even Jesus Christ, in all His divine sufficiency, chose to need the Church. Paul reveals this mystery: "For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones" (Ephesians 5:30 NKJV). If the God-man Himself designed a relationship of mutual need with His bride, how much more should we embrace our need for our spouse?

Some people stay married only because they're financially dependent. Once they get a good job or build wealth, pride kicks in and they start believing they don't need their spouse. They forget that marriage is designed for interdependence, not independence.

Marriage requires daily humility to remain dependent on each other. Never outgrow your need for your mate. Some spouses struggle to feel loved because they project a facade of complete self-sufficiency. If you can do everything yourself, your partner will eventually stop trying.

The Danger of Independence

Independence in marriage is not strength—it's a threat. If you desire independence, marriage is not for you. The very definition of marriage is that "a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 NKJV). The word "joined" in Hebrew is dabaq, meaning to cling, to stick together, to be glued. It implies permanent attachment and mutual dependence.

The desire for independence often metamorphoses into competition. "I can do it better." "I don't need your help." "I earn more than you." "I'm smarter than you." This competitive spirit poisons marriages because marriage is about complementary togetherness, not competitive independence.

God designed woman to be ezer kenegdo—a helper suitable for man. This doesn't imply inferiority; the same word ezer is used of God Himself as our helper. It implies strength offered in support of another. Woman helps man with support; man leads woman with wisdom and protection. Both need each other.

The Right Reasons to Marry

Why you marry matters as much as whom you marry. Wrong motivations lead to wrong expectations, which lead to disappointment and potential divorce.

Marry to Avoid Sexual Immorality

Paul was direct: "Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (1 Corinthians 7:2 NKJV). He continues, "But if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9 NKJV).

Sexual desire is not sinful; acting on it outside of marriage is. God gave us marriage as the proper context for sexual fulfillment. Young people, don't wait until you're so established financially that you've racked up a high "body count" of sexual partners. The value of chastity far outweighs the convenience of wealth before marriage.

Money can be earned later, but virginity once lost cannot be regained. When society normalizes sexual immorality, it degenerates in every other area because "Righteousness exalts a nation, but sin is a reproach to any people" (Proverbs 14:34 NKJV).

Marry for Companionship

"And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him'" (Genesis 2:18 NKJV). Loneliness is the first "not good" thing in Scripture. God designed humans for companionship, and marriage provides the deepest form of human relationship.

We need someone who knows us fully and loves us anyway. We need a dependable friend, a permanent ally, a safe place to be completely ourselves. Marriage offers friendship that transcends all other relationships in loyalty, intimacy, and commitment.

Marry as a Partner in Purpose

God gave Adam the dominion mandate—to be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it (Genesis 1:28). But He didn't expect Adam to fulfill this alone. "I will make him a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18 NIV). Eve wasn't created merely to keep Adam company but to partner with him in fulfilling God's purpose.

Have you found your purpose? Do you know what God has called you to do? Then look for a spouse who can help you fulfill that calling, someone whose gifts complement yours, whose passion aligns with yours, whose presence enhances rather than hinders your God-given assignment.

Common Misinterpretations of Marital Union

Let's address some popular but biblically incomplete ideas about marriage:

"Women need only love, not honor." Wrong. Peter commands husbands to give honor to their wives: "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7 NKJV). Women desperately need to feel honored, valued, and esteemed.

"Men need only respect, not love." Wrong. Paul commands, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them" (Colossians 3:19 NKJV). He also teaches older women to train younger women "to love their husbands, to love their children" (Titus 2:4 NKJV). Men need buckets of love—affection, tenderness, emotional connection. Many men who lacked love and physical affection growing up end up with addictive behaviors or chronic unfaithfulness because their love tank was never filled.

"You don't marry someone you love; you love the one you marry." This sounds spiritual but contradicts Scripture. Solomon wrote, "Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life" (Ecclesiastes 9:9 NKJV). Notice: "the wife whom you love." Love should exist before and during marriage, not replace the foundation of marriage.

"Marriage is not about sex." Partially wrong. While marriage isn't only about sex, Paul explicitly states that avoiding sexual immorality is a legitimate reason to marry: "But because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (1 Corinthians 7:2 NKJV). Some people fall into temptation not from lust but from natural sexual desire that's being denied in marriage.

The Most Important Things in Marriage

The most important things in marriage aren't touchable or visible. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised" (Proverbs 31:30 NKJV). Peter echoes this: "Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God" (1 Peter 3:3-4 NKJV).

In marriage, you receive:

• Love: Unconditional acceptance and affection
• Affection: Tenderness that nurtures your soul
• Nurture: Care that helps you grow
• Respect/Honor: Esteem that affirms your value

These are irreplaceable because:

• Sex can be purchased from a prostitute (but intimacy cannot)
• Money can be earned by anyone (but shared stewardship cannot)
• Children can be adopted or conceived through medical intervention (but co-parenting partnership cannot)

What makes marriage sacred isn't what you get but who gives it and how it's given. The covenant creates a context where physical intimacy becomes spiritual union, where financial provision becomes sacrificial love, where raising children becomes legacy building.

Conclusion: Say It Loud and Clear

God has not called you to settle for a relationship lacking the essentials for lasting success. Neither has He called you to divorce if you discover gaps in your current marriage. He has called you to wisdom—to choose wisely if single, and to build wisely if married.

Declare with faith: "I shall not lack a mate!" Trust that the same God who brought Eve to Adam, who guided Isaac to Rebekah, who led Boaz to Ruth, is able to guide you to the right partner or to help you become the right partner for the one you have.

If you're single, don't rush into marriage out of loneliness, pressure, or desperation. Wait for God's best. Build yourself into a complete person. Pursue God first, and trust Him to write your love story.

If you're married and realizing you're not perfectly matched in all areas, don't despair. God's grace is greater than your gaps. Commit to growth. Pursue understanding. Extend grace. Pray together. Seek help when needed. Remember, compatibility isn't just found—it's built.

The goal isn't a perfect mate but a committed one. Not a flawless partner but a faithful one. Not someone who completes you in every way on day one but someone who walks with you through every season, growing together, learning together, and loving together until death do you part.

Marriage done right—with the right person, for the right reasons, in the right way—becomes a foretaste of heaven, a picture of Christ and the Church, and a source of blessing that flows to generations yet unborn.

Choose wisely. Marry right. Build well. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Ephesians 5:31 NKJV). This is God's design. This is marriage as He intended. This is heirs together.